jonathan’s blog

I worked at a weather technology company in Kanasa for almost 2 months. It was one of the worst, most desolate seasons of my 34 years of living. No exaggeration. MediaDefender decided to end my contract at the end of September. Our home would be ready for us to move in by November…but we wouldn’t be able to close on escrow without a source of income. This company in Kansas offered me a job and I started the second week of October. God’s provision is amazing, giving us the job so that we can get the mortgage at just the right time…incredible! But oh so difficult. I died many deaths in that short season…not necessarily a bad thing, but definitely a hard thing. God offended my mind, to reveal my heart.

I was at the top of MediaDefender, providing cutting edge digital anti-piracy services for some of the world’s most important and impactful content producers. I was invited to speak at conferences regularly, and acknowledged as being an expert in our field. I was featured and quoted by a number of online and printed publications and even did a radio interview! I hired people, fired people, and helped make strategic decisions for the direction of the company. I was integral in establishing three additional products slated to become their own wholly owned subsidiaries, a viral alternative advertising platform, a peer-assisted video distribution technology, and a self publishing video library product…all cool stuff!

Fast forward, and I’m selling weather detection systems to archaic television stations that barely understand their own websites. I work for someone younger than me, who has zero experience, and is giving me “pointers” on how to make a successful Power Point Presentation. He keeps track of my hours, when I arrive and when I leave the office. My closest confidant is Chloe, a super fat dog that likes me because I give her French Fries and scratch her ears, she frequents my office to sleep, snore, and pass gas. They promise me 3 things during our interview: 1.) flexible hours, 2.) little or no travel, and 3.) I can volunteer at Kay’s school every Friday morning. Within one month, they pull back on all three, insisting on inflexible hours, insane amounts of travel, and displeasure over my volunteer hours. Amazing. I would leave to work early in the morning, before Noah even woke up. I would leave work after dark, making it home just barely for dinner…to eat and watch the kids go down. Almost every night, I would leave the office, look to the night sky and shout to God, “What am I doing here?!”

God didn’t just humble me…he flat out humiliated me. There are too many specific stories to go into, but never have I been so embarrassed and humiliated. I think it was God’s shortcut way of smashing my pride and arrogance that had been steadily developing over the years. But in that madness, in my despair, God came to me one morning…like the dawn breaking forth from a dark night, he visited me and spoke words to me that have marked my soul.

The night before, I had been watching this new TV series called Trauma. In it, there is this ‘tough as nails’ rescue paramedic that is part of the airlift crew. He is coaching his pilot who refuses to do anything other than just piloting the chopper. There is a heated discussion as to why she won’t help out with injured patients. In the end, he finally understands her fears and says to her, “I get it. Flesh is fallible. Humans are weak.” The point being that the pilot couldn’t deal with anything beyond her immediate and absolute control. Machines she could ‘control’, but human error she could not.

So I’m driving to work, just dreading the upcoming work day, bothered that it’s so early and that for another day, I’ll be away from Emily and the kids, wondering if we did the right thing in moving to Kansas City, and thinking about this TV show. I’m hearing this guy say, “Flesh is fallible. Humans are weak.” Then the ray of light hits and I hear God speak to me…clear as day, right there in the car on the way to work. And I just lose it. I’m weeping, bawling, trying to drive, but almost unable to see where I’m going! And in my heart, I know that God is perfect, that he is sovereign, in control, and sitting on his throne. This is what I heard:

I’m thinking to myself, “Flesh is fallible. Humans are weak.”

And like thunder, God speaks into my spirit, “I am not fallible. I am not weak. I am perfect. You spend all day, trying your best to NOT make mistakes. Jonathan, you need to understand this. I can spend all day, TRYING to make a mistake…but I won’t be able to. I CANNOT make a mistake. I am infallible.”

And though I don’t understand the details, I know in my heart and soul that God is in control, on his throne, and wholly sovereign. That even in this desperate place, God has made no mistakes, not a single one. He’s not worried, or antsy, or nervously trying to figure out how to redeem this situation. No, he is utterly in control. I wish I could say that from that day forward everything was better…nah, there were still plenty of horrible times at the weather company. But God did grace me with the assurance that this was all not a mistake. That he has a plan, a good plan…and that he is way strong enough to make it happen. His plans won’t disappoint, his plans are to prosper us, to give us a future and a hope. There are no mistakes with him, it’s against his very nature to make mistakes…and therefore wholly impossible. God, infallible and always on his throne.

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